Write Things to Say. The Professionals' Guide to Writing Supportive Condolence Cards. Templates

The document contains 107 texts like those below grouped into eight major categories:

1. Immediately after a Death
2. A Monthly or Yearly Anniversary of a Death
3. Holidays or Marker Days
4. Death of a Sibling
5. Death of a Child
6. Death of a Parent
7. Terminal Illness
8. Death by Suicide

Immediately after a Death

1. When I learned of the sudden death of your beloved [name], my heart instantly went out to you.  What words could I possibly say that could comfort you at this time?  There are none. So I join my sadness with yours as I remember [name’s] life and what [he/she] meant to so many.
2. When a loved one dies long before [his/her] time, it turns everything upside down. Any answers to the question “Why?” ring hollow.  As you navigate this heart-wrenching time, know that you are in my thoughts [and prayers]. Every day I take a moment to let your grief remind me of what is most important in my life and, in so doing, I honor the life of [name].
3. I didn’t know [name] beyond our business relationship.  However, I was always impressed with how much [he/she] cared for you and the family.  [He/She] seriously considered every decision, always wanting to do what was best for those [he/she] loved.  As you cope with [name]’s death, I will honor [his/her] commitment to your well-being and do everything I can to ensure your financial security during this difficult time.  
4. [Name]’s death was not a surprise, and it would be normal if you felt some relief that [he/she] is no longer suffering.  Yet I know it is still intensely painful to lose your life companion of so many years.  Every waking moment is different for you now, and it will take a very long time to build a new sense of normalcy in your life.  I want you to know that I will be here for you throughout this process to support you in your grief, protect your financial future, and honor [name]’s legacy.
5. Kahlil Gibran wrote:  “When you are sorrowful, look into your heart and you shall see that you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”  [Name] was truly your delight.  I am thinking of you.

Graceful Presence: The Professional’s Complete Guide to What to Say and Do at Wakes and Visitations

... Imagine an ordinary day. You get up as usual and follow your customary routine of getting ready for work. You arrive at the office and go about your daily business – meeting with clients, scheduling your time, taking calls. Everything is routine. Nothing stands out. It’s just an ordinary day….Then the phone rings, and everything changes in an instant. ...

If you fear wakes, funerals, and other post-death services you are not alone. Facing death or attending a visitation is one of the top fears in this country. Consequently, many people skillfully avoid wakes because of their gnawing discomfort. When they do go, they mumble well-meaning platitudes and get out as soon as possible, relieved that they have paid their respects or done their duty. ...

Resist the Urge: What Not to Say 
 “I’m so sorry.”  
Everyone has been taught and encouraged to say “I’m so sorry”. The belief that this phrase is helpful or meaningful is one of the abundant self-deceptions in how we approach death. Granted, when you say it to me with true concern and empathy it lets me know you care, and in itself that provides a certain level of comfort. Still, there are compelling reasons not to say it, and far better ways to convey consolation. Let’s examine this familiar phrase more closely.

The first problem is that when you say “I’m so sorry”, you sound like ...

You Have My Sympathy
This common phrase has similar problems. There is at least a natural answer – when you tell me I have your sympathy, it feels very comfortable to say “Thank you” because you just told me you gave me something. Yet, really, did you and the hundreds of others on the conveyor belt ...

Speaking Words of Wisdom: What TO Say
When you approach me at the wake, take my hand in both of yours. Look me in the eye to convey that you are comfortable and you care.  Then, unless you are positive I know who you are, remind me of who you are.

Perhaps you’ve had the experience of seeing someone out of context. For instance, you normally see them in a work environment dressed in a suit, but then you see them at the grocery store or on the beach. You know you’ve seen that face and you should know who they are, but your mind struggles to make the connection. It’s even worse if they know you, and they initiate a conversation when you still can’t place them.

The Post-Funeral Appointment and Support Through The First Year

... Asking the Right Questions in the Right Way 
Your first strategy is to experiment with body posture. Lean slightly toward your client and watch her reaction. If she leans away from you, then lean back again. It means she is uncomfortable with the degree of distance. If she remains in place or leans toward you, then you have effectively reduced the physical distance between you, and that has a positive psychological effect. 


Then ask an inviting, non-invasive, open-ended question. For instance:
“This has to be the hardest thing you’ve ever faced in your life. Before we talk about money or investments, would you like to tell me what happened or what you are experiencing now?”


Notice a couple of things about this question.

• It invites her, while allowing her to say no. “Would you like to…?” She can shut the door and say “No, really, I’m very nervous about the money and I’d like to talk about that first.” In all probability, she will walk through the open door and begin talking, but if she closes the door, you allow it.  Regardless, once you have named the reality, the white elephant disappears.  
• It allows clients to answer in ways that fit their personality and particular style of grieving. They can give a just-the-facts rendition of what happened, talk about their feelings and experience, or answer in whatever they wish. The client is in control.

Other good questions to ask:  

• What do you wish people knew about what you are going through right now?  (She’ll tell you what she wants you to know.)
• How do you wish people would act around you?  (She’ll give clues to how you should act around her.)
• What has your life been like these past couple of weeks?  
• In what ways has the reality sunk in and in what ways does it still seem unreal?
• Who are the most supportive people in your life right now, and what are they doing that is supportive?  

In subsequent appointments, you can ask:

• How have things changed for you since the last time we spoke?  
• What is happening in your life right now?  
• The last time we met, you said ___________.     Is that still true or how has it changed?

Tears and Tissue Etiquette
When someone tears up in front of other people, the first thing they usually say is “I’m sorry”. In our American society, we value composure, control, and professionalism. People know that tears make others uncomfortable. 

...First of all, don’t jump to hand her a tissue. Everyone thinks that is a helpful gesture, but instead it conveys an unintended message. When people begin to cry and you immediately give them a tissue, the implicit message is: “Stop crying.  Dry your tears. Use this.”  Your intentions may be good, but the message you give is to stop it. 

There is a better solution...

This resource list was compiled over a lifetime of methodical learning about grief, teaching the topic to others, and supporting thousands. It could take you hours just to select a handful of mediocre books using publicly available search tools---to say nothing of actually reading even a few dozen of the 450+ we've used!  With the entire 90-work reference at your fingertips, you need only a few minutes to find the right book and confidently make spot-on recommendations as needs arise. Here is one sample:

Callahan, Maggie and Patricia Kelley. Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying.  Bantam Books, 1997.

This book ought to be on every shelf.  In clear and simple terms, these two hospice nurses tell story after story to illustrate the ways we can understand what loved ones experience as they die.  It allows family members to communicate with the dying person, finish unfinished business, and help achieve the kind of peaceful death everyone hopes to have.

Recommended for anyone with aging parents, family members who are frequently ill, the family of a terminally ill patient, and all those desiring to make the death process easier for everyone involved.

The list contains information on books dealing with grief, covering a range of styles and several situational categories. For instance, there are books on various relationships - parent, child, sibling, or friend.  Some books are age-related, ranging from stillbirth or infant death to adult children whose elderly parent dies.  Others cover types of death - sudden, terminal illness, suicide, or violence.  We even list a few books on the death of pet.   Some are recent, most were published within the last 10 - 15 years, and a few are old workhorses, published long ago but still well worth reading.

Often, newly bereaved people lack the concentration and desire to read long or complex books. Therefore, several listings consist of short chapters in easy-to-read formats. We also list more substantial books, both for those who desire such information immediately and for those past the initial stages of grief who need more extensive information.

The overall list contains both secular and religious titles. We note when a book is spiritual or religious, and where a clear denominational focus is present. In absence of such comments, presume the book to be secular in nature. Selections are based on our own reading, book reviews, personal experience, and over 25 years of working in the field of bereavement.

Please feel free to let us know if you find a particular book very helpful. Especially let us know if you feel a book should be deleted from the list, or if you have a suggestion to add. We are always interested in the feedback of others whose experiences are different than our own.

Our licensing program enables you to use it "like a single copy of a book"---to be handled and read by one person at a time. Please contact us if you want to make a multi-copy purchase of the full list. We will be happy to offer a discount depending on the number of copies you want.

Our hope is that overall this list of resources will prove highly useful to you, both personally and as recommendations to others you encounter or serve who need the resources.