Working Through Your Grief Process>

This article appeared on page 30 in the "Practice Management" section of the July print edition of NAPFA Advisor.

The calls are less frequent now, and certainly less frantic. But you remember well: “How can the market be down again?” “You told me I had a low-risk portfolio; do you realize how much money I’ve lost?” “I don’t believe a word you say any more. I’m taking my investments elsewhere.”

Advisors had a hard time taking these calls. They started doubting themselves, wondering if they really had done the best for their clients. Many advisors took clients’ anger personally, and it chipped away at their confidence and self-esteem. Going into the office became a burden, and the sound of a ringtone induced dread. Almost everyone felt discouraged, upset, and drained

The worst of the market collapse may be over now, but its impact will be felt for a long time. We cannot go “back to normal” as if nothing had happened. That “normal,” especially its complacency about the market, no longer exists. So what can you learn from this experience? How can you move forward into a “new normal”?

Recognize this as a grief process. Grief strikes whenever there is a loss of something or someone to whom you are attached. You grieve, for example, if a family heirloom is broken, if you are fired, if youthful agility starts to fade, if your best friend moves away, and, yes, if you and your clients lose money in the market. Every significant grief triggers painful emotions and can shake the ground from under your feet. And yet, grief holds the potential for self-analysis, the creation of more reliable belief systems, and growth into a better future. It is common to bounce back and forth, sometimes despairing, sometimes feeling hopeful, and often lost in the middle

The key to navigating the grief process is to deal with both sides, tending to your emotional needs while making decisions and plans that help carry you forward. Remember and learn from the experience, and then use that knowledge to build something better.

Three tips for handling the emotional side:

1. Stifling your emotions causes headaches, backaches, and sleepless nights. Instead, find non-destructive ways to let them out. Talk with someone you trust. Play an aggressive sports game. Write about whatever you feel (in private, please – not blogging that you may later regret). Rip newspaper into shreds. Stomp your feet hard and fast for 30 seconds. Draw or paint. Yell as loud as you can. Get anger, fear, and grief out of your system so it doesn’t eat at you from the inside.

2. Let go of your client’s anger. Remember it is not about you; it is your client’s expected reaction to grief. Listen intently and sympathize. Use “we” language to keep the two of you on the same team. Once your client feels heard and understood, decide together how to manage the portfolio for the future.

3. Focus on what is truly important. Make a list of everything and everyone for whom you are grateful. Read the list every morning and evening, consciously thinking about how fortunate you are. Take time to do things you enjoy – go for a walk, call someone you love, get a chair massage, shoot a few hoops, listen to music. Notice when you feel drained, and take a break. Recharge your batteries and take care of yourself.

As you work through your grief, you can build for your future. Start by thinking about what this experience taught you. Perhaps some assumptions rightly got knocked off their pedestals. What beliefs need to replace them? Challenge your own complacency. Adjust your expectations of yourself, your clients, and the market.

Don’t abandon your goals and dreams—but dream realistically. Create a new vision of your life five years from now. How can you better prepare yourself, personally and professionally, for a future that takes the inevitability of events like this into account?

Also, resist the urge to cut back on training. Instead, use this experience to help honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses. List your points of greatest expertise and those areas in which you are likely to be caught off-guard. Do research on where to acquire the knowledge you need and get educational opportunities scheduled on your calendar.

Finally, critique your business across all planes, from profitability to client communications to use of technology, and more. In each area, create an achievable plan for improvement. Prioritize your plan, and plot out steps to take each day to grow your business and make it more recession-proof. At the end of the day, congratulate yourself for your progress.

This has been a tough year for financial advisors. But you can survive intact and, hopefully, emerge stronger on the other side. At the same time, you send a message to clients that you are a forward-looking, visionary professional worthy of their continued trust.